WE
DON’T GET TO PICK OUR PARENTS … Part 2
Post
83
As promised, this June edition of the GRM Blog continues the theme of what it
is like living with a problem gambler parent (and/or sibling). As a reminder of those issues and dilemmas
faced by children in such households, take a quick glance at the listings
within May’s post. What stands out to me
is that each of these issues provides fertile ground for the seeds of
dysfunction to grow within the sons and daughters of those suffering from
gambling addiction.
In other words, the compulsive gambler in the family
is not the only person who is affected by the presence of addiction. Indeed, the addiction-connected-struggles in family life extend far beyond the
gambler! Friends in Recovery who authored “The 12 Steps for Adult
Children” (Recovery Publications, Inc.,
San Diego, 1987) detail, through a guided narration of the 12 Steps to
Recovery, common responses to self-identity and interpersonal relations
experienced by – now – adult children who grew up in dysfunctional and
addictive homes.
Incredibly
and sadly, those issues experienced by the compulsive gambler often become
similar to those developing within his/her children: guilt, denial, shame,
isolation, mistrust, insecurity, and problems with intimacy.
So let’s get on with the children – what words of
comfort and guidance can be given?
Before this, however, it is important to keep in mind that children want to be able to trust their parents; and yes, that is the healthy role for parents – to be trustworthy role models. Moreover, gambling addiction is hard to identify … no needle marks, falling down stupors, slurred speech, or actual substances. Moreover, the explanations and excuses offered by the problem gambler may sound quite logical. To kids, gambling addiction probably doesn’t sound like an illness … maybe just a matter of bad luck - which always has the hope for next time.
Before this, however, it is important to keep in mind that children want to be able to trust their parents; and yes, that is the healthy role for parents – to be trustworthy role models. Moreover, gambling addiction is hard to identify … no needle marks, falling down stupors, slurred speech, or actual substances. Moreover, the explanations and excuses offered by the problem gambler may sound quite logical. To kids, gambling addiction probably doesn’t sound like an illness … maybe just a matter of bad luck - which always has the hope for next time.
COMFORT
Three basic
understandings, therefore, need to be stated first and shared with children:
·
As previously noted, it is important
that compulsive gambling is understood as an addiction – an illness. Harmful words, untrustworthy actions, lack
of financial security, and other poor choices are NOT to be interpreted as the
child’s fault, responsibility, or personal area of control.
·
The child (of a compulsive gambler) is
not the only one who has a family affected by gambling addiction. Although this tends to be minimized
(unfortunately) by the public and some professionals, compulsive gambling is a devastating addiction experienced by many
lives. Often – especially because of
financial struggles – families of problem gamblers tend to isolate
themselves. Shame, experienced by the
non-gambling spouse, sadly can prevent the much needed reaching-out for help.
·
Therefore, talking about the gambling problem in the family to a trusted person
can provide a healthy outlet for the child.
He/she can ask questions, sense security, and not feel alone with the
issues that may have caused him/her to identify as helpless, different from
others, and/or somehow a cause for the problem.
In such settings, the child can process both fear and anger issues that
commonly – and normally - arise when a parent is a compulsive gambler.
GUIDANCE
Finally, and in
addition to the above information, what guidance can be given to a child whose
parent’s dysfunctional influence on the family may have far-reaching effects
throughout the child’s life?
(Note: interestingly,
the following can be applied to both the children of compulsive
gamblers and those significant adults (spouses, friends, co-workers,
other family members) affected by gambling addiction.)
·
The strengths
of a person should always be recognized.
Healthy self-confidence goes a long way in combating the negatives of
others’ addictions. Goal-setting (both
short and long term) can help a person feel accomplished as well as a sense of
order (especially in a chaotic home environment).
·
Healthy
outlets of enjoyment help to release tension, anger, and
fear … even for a short time. Sports,
other physical activities, hobbies, leisure reading, creative writing, crafts,
and other new skills are all possibilities.
·
Thankfulness: there may be plenty of negatives; but a steady
mindset of gratitude (even for tiny thanksgivings) opens the door to more balanced-thinking
- particularly when everything seems
to be in the negative column at home.
·
Experiencing the impact of another’s
addiction can be a personal motivator
to respond carefully/wisely when critical choices arise in one’s life.
(A word of caution: at times, however, the actions/attitudes
of the parent/older sibling may play a detrimental, role-modeling effect when
it comes to the introduction and inclusion of at-risk behaviors.)
Gam-Anon,
the support organization for family, friends, and associates of compulsive
gamblers, provides additional notes of guidance: do
something positive for others; tackle one thing at a time; don’t be unrealistic
and set self-expectations too high; watch out for being overly-critical of
others. Check out www.gam-anon.org for more tips and helpful information!
Finally, I want to
close this mini-series with an essential reminder …
For children and teens
as well as adults, we may be the
trusted, safe person - the one to whom someone seeks guidance about problem
gambling in the home. We don’t have to
have all of the answers to their questions but we can listen and guide them to
help and support groups. We can be the
encouraging voice that helps open that critical door to recovery!
Blessings,
Rev. Janet Jacobs
Founding DirectorGambling Recovery Ministries
For more information on problem gambling and
recovery issues, go to:
