Post 63
FEAR: Is It Sealing Your Fate?
Here in Midwest USA, we are enjoying the height of autumn: brilliant colors of red, orange, and golden foliage, apple orchards ripe for the picking, cool - yet sunny - crisp days, and fresh pumpkin pies. The Halloween holiday is fast approaching and little trick-or-treaters dressed in costume will be ringing doorbells with their sacks opened wide for more candy. It was a favorite holiday for me during elementary school days. My identity masked, I could sit anywhere in the classroom and celebrate (for a short time) being someone - or something - else. Rarely though, were my classmates fooled as my height usually gave me away.
Most of the spookiness attached to Halloween was in fun and not scary at all. However, there was a notable exception. During my freshman year in college, several very creative members of my young adult ministry organization decided to conduct a haunted house tour of their own. It was just for us - not a public event ... and the only one I knew of in the Toledo area. Driving past the outskirts of town and down a lonely country road was creepy enough ... but when we came upon a solitary figure garbed in full-length shepherd’s robe and shadowed face, the fright began. We knew better to be truly scared – however, the newness of our adventure and the anticipation of unknown happenings stretching before us did give us more than a taste of fear. We weren’t sure we really wanted to step into this unmet-before arena!
As I revisit that haunted house experience, I must admit
– yes - that even though I knew no harm would take place, there were actual
moments of surprising fright. Then too, there
was, indeed, a fear of the unknown as the tour continued.
Likewise, in our journeys of recovery (all kinds), the future – without the companionship of
active addiction and/or reliance upon old, familiar coping behaviors – can be
seen as a frightening place to enter.
So what are we talking about? Fear? Yes. Courage?
Again, yes. Actually, it’s about
facing one’s fear of re-entry, so to speak, as a recovering person – solely armed
with brand new skills and lessons from therapy and/or 12 Step group
support. BUT … why then, the fear? (And it can be sensed as real fear too.) Once
more, and sadly, the terror of facing life without the old companions
(addictive/self-abuse responses) can hold back progress in recovery.
Basically, the flip side of fear is courage … the stepping ahead, the moving forward, the
no-turning-back. In his book, Three
Steps to Integrity, the Reverend Dr. Bill Jenkins details an entire
section on courage. In response to the
five common fears listed below, I am including supporting thoughts (italicized) shared by Dr. Jenkins, as
well as other practical suggestions.
Five
Common Fears in Facing New Life in
Recovery
(1) What
will I do to fill my time when I am no longer ________? I’ll need to find new interests but I don’t
know where to begin. If I have too much
free (empty) time, I’ll get bored – and that’s a sure ticket to _____________. What if I try new hobbies and don’t like
them? What if they’re too
expensive? What if there’s nothing to
do, etc., etc.?
Short
term goals are often stepping stones, or intermediate steps, toward achieving a
long term goal. (WLJ)
Fill spare time with
multiple and accomplishable tasks
and activities. Eventually, you will
achieve a balance of things to do and enjoy, in your spare time.
(2) What if I fail? Feeling failure will just
sink me deeper into my depression. Then
I’ll seek comfort by _________ and then I’ll feel more like a failure.
Courage
includes perseverance, continuing to seek a goal in the midst of opposition,
obstacles, discouragement and even failure. (WLJ)
If you experience a slip,
get back on the one-day-at-a-time
wagon. Return to the ways of recovery
(again, take each day as it comes) – attending
support meetings, checking back with the counselor, reading recovery material,
and counting on your Higher Power for help.
(3) I’ll lose my identity … I
actually like to/find pleasure in
_____________. My self –image is that of a ____________;
and I can escape to this other “life” and be “myself”.
Plato
placed an emphasis on being rather
than just doing. Morality stems from your character identity,
rather than being a reflection of the actions alone. (WLJ)
This is a toughie. How intertwined we can be with an image we
have come to adopt – actions and all.
Has this identity associated with __________ given you a perceived sense of strength and valor … helped you to lose shyness and be social and,
perhaps, feel glamorous … OR simply enabled you to claim a personal identity
when there seemed to be none?
Untangling one’s self from
the ___________ identity, in reality, opens the door to hard and consistent
recovery work … but it’s worth it! Find
others successfully in recovery; learn
from them; notice how they value themselves AND how they value you for yourself !
(4) I’ll lose my friends … how can I find
new ones?
Counselors
know from experience that many people are unhappy because they expect their
spouse, children, or employer to “make them happy”. No person or thing can make you happy. You are the only one who can make you
happy. That can only happen when you
have inner wholeness, peace, and integrity.
(WLJ)
The 12th Step in
the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program (paraphrased) calls for the recovering
gambler to pass on the message of hope and help to those in need of recovery
from compulsive gambling. Commonly, we
hear the saying that by helping others, we
receive more of a blessing than those receiving help. Service to others plays a significant role in
recovery; and working alongside others, in service, provides an arena wherein new
friendships are made.
(5) Can I really lose this FEAR that rules
my life? What
if my family never trusts me again? What
if my friends never forgive me? What if
I never get out of debt? What if I lose
my job? What if I wind up in a treatment
center? What IF? What IF? What IF?
A
more modern context of courage involves things such as overcoming addictive
habits, irrational anxieties, and negative co-dependent relationships. … Dr.
Theodore Malloch wrote, “Virtues are
seen at their most admirable in adversity, when they seal the fate of
the one who has them. We know this
from the virtue of courage…” (Malloch, Theodore R., Doing Virtuous Business:
The Remarkable Success of Spiritual Enterprise, Thomas Nelson, Inc. 2011; also
quoted in Three Steps to Integrity, The ABC Model, William L. Jenkins, Xulon
Press, 2012, p.67)
As the expression goes, borrowing trouble describes our What ifs as they project both present and past fears into tomorrow - and the
days beyond. Yes, healthy anticipations
and concerns about the future need to be considered and accompanied by appropriate
responses. Worry that never ceases,
however, preoccupies the mind … and harbors a seeking of relief, often in
unhealthy ways.
The
bottom line to all of the above “fears” is this: Do you allow things you cannot do (out of
fear, or for some other reason) prevent you from doing the things you should in
order to experience and grow in recovery?
Blessings,
Rev. Janet Jacobs
Founding Director
Gambling Recovery Ministries
To visit the Christ Ministry Center website, in San Diego, and read further articles by Dr. Bill Jenkins, go to www.ChristSD.com
