Post 18
TAKING A VACATION: from addiction? from co-dependency?
Armchair Thoughts on Co-dependency
For many, July has been a month of family vacations. Camping trips, visiting the relatives, sightseeing: it’s a time to get away. Right? Well, maybe. More likely, it’s away: both yes and no. And so it has been for me. July was a time for me to be at distance from my Indiana home, filled with new sights, refreshing weather (yes, I said refreshing), and a time apart from my usual schedule. My body has said I’ve been away … but has my mind? Yes and no again. In part, the I’m-away-from-home mindset was in place. Still, I must admit that concerns about loved ones prevailed from time to time.
Often, I hear persons say comments like, “I just need to let go and let God.” Not a bad concept! However, is this admonition faithfully followed? Do our concerns/worries about others keep us preoccupied with their problems – to the point of constant focus … to the extent that our lives become overshadowed by another’s dysfunctional actions?
When I first heard the term co-dependency, quite a few years ago, I could not wrap my mind around it. Somehow, I thought co-dependency had to do with two or more persons sharing the same dependent behavior. But the situations described as such never matched my faulty understanding of this condition. Slowly, I began to realize that co-dependency is more about the reactions of the loved one to the addict than that of the addict’s dependent responses to substances and/or compulsive behaviors. And then, there’s, also, something to be said about the addict’s reactions to the loved ones’ reactions!
In other words, the loved one becomes dependent on certain responses that (s)he has acquired in his/her dealing with an individual suffering from addiction or compulsive dysfunctions. Often, it is heard that a codependent feels like life has become a journey of walking on eggshells. How will my loved one react? is a prevailing thought forever holding the non-addict in jeopardy. Will I set her off? Should I stay at home – just in case? What am I doing to cause him to drink, stay on drugs, or gamble away our household budget?
At a problem gambling conference, several years ago, I heard a presentation that has never been forgotten. In speaking about why a spouse of a gambler chose to attend the event on Super-Bowl weekend, the person told about the need to learn more about dealing with personal, healthy responses to the gambler’s behavior. Although the conference was at considerable distance from home – and filled the entire weekend – the speaker had replaced fear of what the gambler would be doing during that heavy-betting time with the priority of building personal growth.
For more information on co-dependency, check out Co-Dependents Anonymous at www.coda.org/
In addition, go to http://www.gam-anon.org// for a listing of 20 Questions to be asked of the gambler’s loved one(s).
For even more information on problem gambling, go to http://www.grmumc.org/
Rev. Janet Jacobs
Director, Gambling Recovery Ministries
Armchair Thoughts on Co-dependency
For many, July has been a month of family vacations. Camping trips, visiting the relatives, sightseeing: it’s a time to get away. Right? Well, maybe. More likely, it’s away: both yes and no. And so it has been for me. July was a time for me to be at distance from my Indiana home, filled with new sights, refreshing weather (yes, I said refreshing), and a time apart from my usual schedule. My body has said I’ve been away … but has my mind? Yes and no again. In part, the I’m-away-from-home mindset was in place. Still, I must admit that concerns about loved ones prevailed from time to time.
Often, I hear persons say comments like, “I just need to let go and let God.” Not a bad concept! However, is this admonition faithfully followed? Do our concerns/worries about others keep us preoccupied with their problems – to the point of constant focus … to the extent that our lives become overshadowed by another’s dysfunctional actions?
When I first heard the term co-dependency, quite a few years ago, I could not wrap my mind around it. Somehow, I thought co-dependency had to do with two or more persons sharing the same dependent behavior. But the situations described as such never matched my faulty understanding of this condition. Slowly, I began to realize that co-dependency is more about the reactions of the loved one to the addict than that of the addict’s dependent responses to substances and/or compulsive behaviors. And then, there’s, also, something to be said about the addict’s reactions to the loved ones’ reactions!
In other words, the loved one becomes dependent on certain responses that (s)he has acquired in his/her dealing with an individual suffering from addiction or compulsive dysfunctions. Often, it is heard that a codependent feels like life has become a journey of walking on eggshells. How will my loved one react? is a prevailing thought forever holding the non-addict in jeopardy. Will I set her off? Should I stay at home – just in case? What am I doing to cause him to drink, stay on drugs, or gamble away our household budget?
At a problem gambling conference, several years ago, I heard a presentation that has never been forgotten. In speaking about why a spouse of a gambler chose to attend the event on Super-Bowl weekend, the person told about the need to learn more about dealing with personal, healthy responses to the gambler’s behavior. Although the conference was at considerable distance from home – and filled the entire weekend – the speaker had replaced fear of what the gambler would be doing during that heavy-betting time with the priority of building personal growth.
For more information on co-dependency, check out Co-Dependents Anonymous at www.coda.org/
In addition, go to http://www.gam-anon.org// for a listing of 20 Questions to be asked of the gambler’s loved one(s).
For even more information on problem gambling, go to http://www.grmumc.org/
Rev. Janet Jacobs
Director, Gambling Recovery Ministries
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